


Bones

by theshyauthor



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Asexual Character, Asexual!Dan, Mentions of Sex, Phil hurt Dan, Relationship(s), Self-Doubt, Words can hurt, houseplants
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-16
Updated: 2016-08-16
Packaged: 2018-08-09 05:38:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7788802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theshyauthor/pseuds/theshyauthor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan is asexual and Phil is not, and sometimes simple words hurt a lot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bones

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this drunk on red wine. I still am. I also haven't read this through. Maybe I'll beta it tomorrow. This is personal. I needed to get my thoughts into words. At least you get a story out of it. Hope you enjoy. x

The alcohol is thrumming through Dan’s veins. He can feel it mix with his blood as with every heartbeat it travels further through his body. He’s eating some popcorn while he stares at his laptop screen, the browser open on an empty tab. He doesn’t really notice though. He doesn’t see. The popcorn tastes stale in his mouth although it’s not expired yet and he just took it out of the microwave. He doesn’t want to eat popcorn right now, but he knows that he has to. He hasn’t eaten anything but a small lunch today and it’s almost 11 p.m., because on some days taking care of himself seems harder than on others. He hasn’t even had more than a liter to drink today, excluding the alcohol. Dan knows self-care is important though. He sees the posts pop up on his tumblr dash every now and again. That’s why he eats popcorn, because he needs something to eat and his cupboards are half empty. One of his neighbours is laughing too loudly, but he doesn’t notice as he continues to eat. There are clothes still in the washing machine that has finished washing an hour ago. If he doesn’t take them out soon, they’ll start smelling musty again. Dan doesn’t care though. Instead of getting up, he reaches for the glass and empties the last remains. The red wine bottle is half empty now. He’s had some Malibu mixed with milk beforehand because he doesn’t have anything else to mix Malibu with, and that coupled with the fact that he’s barely eaten anything today makes his head spin from the alcohol.

Good. 

That’s exactly what he wanted.

“I’m only young once, Dan, I want to have some fun as well!“

The words are running through his head. He’s tried to shut them up, he really did, but he doesn’t know how. They keep coming back. Keep coming back. Back again and back again. 

He’s a disappointment. There’s something wrong with him. He knows that much. He knows what’s wrong with him, but he doesn’t mind. He doesn’t mind until Phil comes along and tells him that he’s taking something from Phil. 

So what’s the problem exactly? The problem is his sexuality. And isn’t that hilarious? It’s not the fact that he’s into guys on a romantic level. No, it’s that he’s asexual. What a joke. Dan does have sex. He has sex with Phil, his boyfriend of seven years, more often than he actually wants to. It’s like a chore, like doing the dishes or washing his clothes that he should really get out of the washing machine, but Dan simply doesn’t care for that right now. And it’s not like Phil’s forcing him to have sex, god no. Dan has sex with him to please Phil, to be a good boyfriend. He lets himself get fucked and most times he even tries to get into it enough to orgasm. He sucks Phil off, because he doesn’t mind that so much, and sometimes they even do 69 because Phil loves that, but Dan really doesn’t all that much. And although he hates cum, it disgusts him a lot, he even lets Phil come into his mouth at times. He’s trying hard here, he really is, but there’s just so much he’s willing to give and comfortable giving. 

Having a threesome is just not one of those things.

But all Dan wants is to please Phil. All Dan wants is to give Phil everything he has and more. He wants to make Phil happy. He wants to make sure that Phil has the best life he can possibly have. Dan wants to give Phil everything, but he just can’t.

“I already have one cock that I have to pay attention to, do you seriously think I want to have two cocks, let alone a vagina?“ Dan had asked, half serious and half jokingly on the phone. It’s a conversation that comes up every now and again, Phil asking things of Dan that Dan’s just not willing to give. Sex somewhere outside. A threesome. Dan just can’t do these things, he can’t. But Phil never seems to get it. 

“I’m only young once, Dan, I want to have some fun as well,“ had been Phil’s answer. And that - that just stung. Like a lot. Dan went quiet after that, and Phil apologized a thousand times. They said goodnight. Dan turned off his phone right after that, because Phil, when he’s guilty, he has that thing where he calls again about half an hour later to apologize again. Dan doesn’t want any of it. He doesn’t need Phil’s words to soothe ruffled feathers. What he needs instead is the comforting warm embrace of alcohol that he’s basking in right now. 

Right now, Dan feels like he wants to cry. He really does want to, but he can’t. He can feel tears prickling behind his eyes, but they won’t come out. Some sad songs are running in the back on his laptop as he eats popcorn, but the tears won’t come. He thinks that he might feel better about this situation once he cries. If only he could. Maybe if he did, after that he’d know all the answers to his problems, like what to do about phil.

There are times when Dan thinks that maybe he just has to jump over his own shadow, to come out of his own shell for once. Maybe he’ll enjoy some of the stuff that Phil dreams about doing. They started dating at a young age. Dan was Phil’s third boyfriend, Phil was Dan’s first. While Dan had never had any sexual experiences before meeting Phil, Phil had had a few, but it never went further than blowjobs. Dan doesn’t take offense in Phil wanting to experience more, he really doesn’t. It’s something normal. He just doesn’t feel comfortable with it, and he doesn’t even know if it’s because of his sexuality or because he’s just shy. So sometimes Dan thinks that maybe he should just go for it. Give Phil a blowjob in the car while they are parked on a deserted parking lot next to a busy street. Let Phil fuck him in the woods. Allow Phil to invite someone to join them while having sex for a threesome. But that would mean there would be two people, that he would have to take care of both of them, and Dan just doesn’t want to be sucking two dicks if sucking one is already a chore. He opens the wine bottle and fills the glass full again, closes it and then chugs down half of the content in the glass at once. His head is spinning slightly and his eyes can’t properly focus. He takes another hand-full of popcorn and shoves it into his mouth.

He knows that sometimes Phil just says stupid stuff. It’s Phil after all. He doesn’t mean to hurt Dan, but at times his mouth just runs by itself before his brain can catch up to it, and then he unintentionally says that the sound barrier is broken by noise or that Dan’s asexuality is a problem. He never really voices the second statement, but the way he talks about it makes it obvious to Dan at times. His sexuality is an inconvenience. And isn’t it funny that his asexuality is a problem to someone else? 

Dan never finishes the bottle of wine. He drinks three quarters of it before sitting down on the floor and starring out of the balcony door in his bedroom. His balcony is small, too small to really do anything with it. He considered putting plants on it, but he’d kill them all eventually. He’s always killed every plant he received from Phil so far. In the beginning of their relationship, Phil had explained that he prefers giving plants instead of flower bouquets because those bouquets were just unnecessarily killing beautiful flowers. Dan had quietly pouted about it, but Phil had bought him a beautiful potted plant and Dan had liked that it had been something he didn’t have to throw away a few days later because of wilting. He had killed the first plant. For the second plant Phil had given to him, he had mentioned that he had specifically asked for a plant that wasn’t easily killed. Dan killed it. When Phil gave him the third plant, he said that he had asked for the most simple plant in the flower shop and the florist had shown him the one he had given Dan as a second plant, so Phil had told her that Dan had already killed that one and they looked for one that was even simpler to maintain. Dan had killed that one two months later as well. After that, Phil had started buying him bouquets of flowers instead. It’s the reason he doesn’t have any plants on his balcony or in his flat at all. He kills things he touches. Phil likes to laugh about it, but maybe Dan’s been killing their relationship with his sexuality all along. 

He sits on the floor for a long time while starring out at the small balcony and the city lights flickering beyond it, so long that he sobers up a bit. There’s still some popcorn left in the glass bowl but he doesn’t want to eat it anymore, and he opens the window because the air has taken on that smell of stale microwave popcorn that’s disgusting and doesn’t leave for a long time. He turns his phone back on and finds one missed call from Phil along with a message.

I’m sorry for what I said. You know I didn’t mean it like that. I love you more than anything.

Dan doesn’t reply that night. He should take a shower, but instead he just crawls into bed, not bothering to turn the lights off. Some nights he just can’t sleep in complete darkness. Tonight is one of those nights. He loves Phil too, he really does. Phil’s the most important person in his life. He’s the one that can make him laugh the hardest. He’s the one that can hurt him the easiest. Dan knows that even though he can’t give Phil what his slightly older boyfriend wants, he’ll always stay with Dan. Because he loves Dan. And Dan loves him. But that doesn’t make the voices in his head stop whispering to him. That doesn’t make him think about maybe opening himself up to the possibility of complying to Phil’s sexual desires, even though the mere thought of it disgusts him a bit. 

It doesn’t stop the guilt about his sexuality nagging on Dan’s bones.


End file.
